Healing from Hurts that Run Deep

One of the most difficult white waters of ministry that a leader is called to navigate is the wounding caused by ‘betrayal.’   Unfortunately, it is often those in whom we have invested our ‘best’ and our ‘most,’ who wound us the deepest. As leaders, we are not above the searing emotional pain of betrayal.

However, as leaders we have the responsibility of handling it in such a way that we ourselves can heal and that we can also provide a healthy, Christian example for others facing the same type of hurt. 

The following are five principles that I have had to incorporate into my leadership life. Hopefully they will be helpful those who read this article and are dealing with similar painful issues.

1. Examine your feelings

Burying your feelings will not make them subside. In fact, buried feelings ferment and contaminate the spirit.

Betrayal tends to produce the following emotions: anger, bitterness, insecurity, shame, confusion and anxiety.

All of those feelings are natural and are not in themselves evil or wrong. But each must be examined and challenged in the light of the Scripture, then brought in submission to the cross and resolved there. If not, they will become destructive.

Unresolved, these natural feelings are seeds that take root in the spirit and develop into a poisonous plant that paralyzes ministry potential and defiles others. 

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
(Hebrews 12:15 NIV)

2. Examine your Natural Response

Defence mechanisms, natural to our carnal man, rise up to desire vindication and revenge. It is a natural response to want to hurt or discredit the person who has wounded you. However, retaliation is always a dangerous, non-Christian, and counter-productive process. It is not the Jesus way and we are His representatives.

As long as a person is plotting or planning a ‘get even’ strategy, the possibility for personal, inner healing is thwarted and cannot begin. 

For we know the one who said, “I will take revenge. I will pay them back.” He also said, “The LORD will judge his own people.” 
(Hebrews 10:30 NLT) 

Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another.  
(Romans 13:8 NLT)

3. Examine the Betrayal

Instead of succumbing to a ‘victim mentality,’ try to put yourself in the position of the other person and ask the question ‘why?’  Why did this person behave the way they did? It likely had very little to do with you and much more to do with the history of the betrayer.

As a young child, I was molested by a pedophile. For the early part of my ministry, I was not able to minister in any effective way to individuals with sexual deviance. Then, as part of my pastoral responsibility, I was required to officiate a funeral service for an individual who had died of HIV AIDS contracted through his homosexual lifestyle. I was in a quandary and went before the Lord. As I was praying, God began to pull back the curtain on the life of the one who had perpetrated this offence against me. Scene-by-scene, I saw the formative forces that had led this person into this pedophilic pursuit. By the time this spiritual panorama was concluded, I was weeping for the offender and not for the offence. He was the victim, not I!  

The ‘victim mentality syndrome’ has derailed and neutralized the potential of many called to Christian leadership. It is not possible to lead people in a positive direction when we ourselves harbour these destructive negative feelings.

Christ refused to go to the cross as a victim. He walked the ‘via Delarosa’ under the full weight of the unjust sin of mankind. Yet He proceeded, not as an unwilling victim, but as a victorious, conquering Saviour. He set the bar for us. Wherefore, God has given Him a Name that is above every other name.

Asking the Lord to help you see the situation from the perspective of the other person often helps to diffuse the personal pain caused by the action of that person.

4. Examine Practical ‘Action Plans’ that Result in Genuine Forgiveness

I have discovered that true forgiveness must be embodied in deed and not in word alone.

If leaders harbour resentment and unforgiveness in their hearts, they are violating the first principle upon which the Kingdom of God is based.  

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. 
(Matthew 6:15 NIV)

As a Christian leader, I am compelled to establish a ‘Kingdom of God’ example for the people I lead. Failure to accomplish that goal is a far more egregious offence than the one perpetrated against me.

I cannot, as a leader, allow unforgiveness to place a line against my life and leadership. Therefore, I must do whatever necessary to sever its power over me.

At one point in pastoral ministry, I was betrayed in a deeply wounding way by one whom I loved and trusted. I asked the Lord for direction and felt that I needed to approach this individual and his wife. My wife and I visited their home. We were not able to pinpoint any cause for the behaviour of this brother. Feeling somewhat frustrated, I silently prayed for direction. I sensed God’s response. I asked the man for a basin of water and a towel. My wife and I preceded to wash their feet in a gesture of humility and sorrow over a lost relationship. Unfortunately, nothing changed in the attitude of the individual who continued to spout vitriol against me. But everything had changed for me. I had honestly forgiven him, in word and deed. The mortgage which the incident had levied against my personal life and ministry was completely lifted.

Scripture makes it clear that the responsibility to offer forgiveness as a Believer is equal to the offender and the one who is offended. Unfortunately, we can never dictate the response of the other person to our authentic attempts. But we are not responsible for the reaction of the other party, only our own action.

Personal health and continued effectiveness in Christian leadership necessitate adherence to the Scriptural pattern of forgiveness.

5. Examine the Possibilities for Personal Growth

Betrayal either diminishes or grows me as a person, a believer, and a leader.

In every criticism levied against us, whether justifiable or not, there will be an element for ‘life learning’ available if we will seek it. 

Strong Christlike leadership will be forged in the fire of adversity.

I must refuse to be a slave to the negative emotions that wound my spirit and distress my leadership. I must turn those negative emotions into building blocks of character and personal maturity, otherwise, the whole experience is wasted.

Remember, just as in any sustained wound, the acute pain will dissipate, and the tenderness will remain. 

The age-old adage is true: “the betrayal by others will either make us ‘better’ or ‘bitter.’” The choice is ours, but, if we wish to remain effective in Christian leadership, there really is no choice.

---

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

---