It’s confession time again: time to be authentic. I have had this love-hate relationship with Christmas for many years. I love the Christmas story, the Divine act that initiated the plan and process of salvation. I love the bright lights, the lively music, and the general feeling of goodwill in the air. I love watching the little kids in bathrobes act out the nativity scene. But I hate the way that Christmas messes with my mind. For many years I struggled with feelings of depression during the Advent weeks and immediately thereafter. Those feelings came with a good dose of guilt. How could one who knew and loved the Lord feel this way during the season celebrating His arrival? Eventually, I was pushed to the point of admitting my feelings, owning them, and attempting to determine how to manage them. Here are some of my findings and some of the cures I have employed: practical steps that have allowed me to enjoy Christmas instead of enduring it.
Here are some of the common causes of angst at Christmas:
Increased Stress
Activity increases exponentially during this period. Charities make their loud appeals. Churches ramp up their social events. All the senses are acutely over-stimulated. As leaders, we are caught up in the mayhem whether we want to be or not. It is expected of us. Physical and emotional fatigue simmers just underneath our obligatory expressions of goodwill. We must don the ‘festive façade’ whether we feel like it or not. An American survey stated in their findings that 18% of the people surveyed felt less cheerful and more anxious during the Christmas season and that 64% of those who suffer from some form of mental illness find it worsens during this period. Yet, it seems like a betrayal of everything the season stands for to give voice to those feelings. We silently drift along with the crowd. https://www.healthpartners.com/blog/why-we-get-depressed-during-holidays/
Gift Giving
I love to give gifts. The tradition of Christmas gift-giving originates in the truth that God gave His very best. However, this also can become a source of emotional distress.
The post-WWII economic boom set this Christmas tradition on a new trajectory. The size and the expense of gifts began to determine their value. This has escalated into extravagance. The advertising media tries hard to convince us that genuine love equals extravagant gifts. What should be a simple, spontaneous act of the heart becomes an obligation. The act is robbed of its pleasure when the tradition is reduced to an obligation.
I enjoy watching the excitement of others as they discover what they have received as a gift. It amuses me to watch children play more intensely with the box the gift came in than with the gift itself. After the packages are opened, and the wrapping paper is collected, I am left with a bit of a let-down feeling. All the ‘build-up,’ all the ‘hoopla’ is over, and everyone just has a bit more stuff. It’s a bit like letting the air out of a balloon.
In the act of gift-giving, many push their finances to the breaking point and operate far beyond their manageable budget. The piper must be paid, and the financial impact of extravagant spending is added stress.
Nostalgia
It is common at Christmas time for buried feelings to surface in our lives and disrupt our sense of well-being.
I was fortunate to come from a loving home that believed strongly in family harmony. Christmas was a time of great sacrifice. Money was in very short supply. Gifts were those things deemed necessary for living and came with very small price tags, often ‘hand’ created.
The joy of the season for my siblings and me was found in the family gathering, the food, the laughter, and the storytelling. My memories most often surround my Mother's sacrifices to create this environment for us to enjoy. I would love to revisit that experience just once more.
For others, Christmas memories are as horrid as mine are fond. Whether happy or harsh, past memories seem to be particularly poignant and invasive at Christmas. This can be a cause for discontent.
With these memories comes the realization of times that cannot be recaptured, relationships ended by separation and death, and experiences that cannot be re-enacted. If these thoughts become dominant, they can begin to produce a lingering sadness.
The Winter Solstice
Many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. This condition is most common when the days are the darkest, and the sun is seen the least. SAD is a condition of melancholy and emotional lethargy that is directly related to a lack of light. It is estimated that 1 in 4 Canadians will suffer from SAD to the point of needing treatment. Depression : Mental Health.
Post-Christmas Adrenaline Crash
For years I have watched this phenomenon express itself among pastors, most often Music and Art Directors. So much effort and energy have gone into the production of quality performance. Hours of preparation and practice have culminated in the ‘event’ itself. With a few minor glitches, it has gone remarkably well. Why, then, is the production director in such a deep ‘funk?’ It is simply a post-adrenaline crash. It is the body’s way of forcing a stop until it can catch up to itself.
As a pastor, I have experienced this. There was pressure to make Christmas extra special for the people of the church and the community. I felt it incumbent on me to ensure that the church roster was filled with exciting and acceptable Christmas events. All this required additional amounts of expended energy. As the stamina was needed, it was there. Suddenly the goals were fulfilled. The adrenaline wasn’t required anymore. Emotional malaise follows in the wake of an extensive expenditure of adrenaline. Depression can push its way into that emotional dis-equilibration.
As I recognized these causative factors, I put in place some action steps to address them. You may find these helpful as well.
Intentional Pacing
Rather than allowing myself to be swept up in the fanfare of Christmas, I have found that it is essential to pace myself appropriately for my emotional well-being. Here are some of the ways I have done that:
Each day during advent, I rehearse the Scriptural account of the Incarnation story. This account anchors me in the season's true purpose, meaning and simplicity.
Each day, I take appreciable time to slow myself down so that my enjoyment of the trappings and trimmings of Christmas balance out the level of my engagement in the activities of Christmas.
Each day, I take some time to build relationship equity with someone in a conversation or on social media. In a non-frenzied, non-demanding attitude, I bring them to the Lord in prayer, visualizing what it would look like to see God at work in their life and circumstances.
Each day, I mentally examine the theology in one of the Christmas carols, meditating on the meaning of the lyrics and, where possible, discovering the history of the carol and what might have motivated the individual to write it.
Each day, I force myself into a ‘downtime’ mode where, for a while, I set aside all the demands and responsibilities and engage in something that requires no ‘brain drain.’ Since the onset of the COVID era, I have discovered I am best served by 30-minute bursts of concentrated work separated by 10 minutes breaks.
My world is always brighter when I practice these intentional and scheduled exercises. We must each find a pace that works best for us and maintain it with self-discipline.
Give Meaningful Gifts, not Expensive Ones
Some of my most precious gifts have cost the giver very little money. The value of the gift is found in the expression of friendship and love that it has communicated. There is no need for competitive one-up-manship in our choice of gifts.
I have tried to de-commercialize my gift-giving. A handmade craft, a painting, a well-selected card, some comfort food – all these things carry more value than extravagant and costly gifts that are given without significant emotional investment. Gifts that communicate love and care linger in the heart and memory much longer.
The best gift I can give is the ‘present of presence.’ Communicating my love and care in some personal way strengthens relational bonds and, in turn, lifts the spirit of the giver.
An Honest Investigation of Feelings
For many years I would attempt to stuff the dissonant feelings I had at Christmas time back into the recesses of my mind. I felt that, as blessed as I was, it was the expression of an ungrateful heart to be sad at a time when we were called to celebrate the greatest act of love ever displayed. However, unexplored emotions do not disappear, nor do they lose their power to control our lives. They need to be dissected, examined and understood.
Where once I stifled memories that made me sad, I now entertain them and try to determine why they produce the emotional response I am feeling. Like anything that is brought into the light, these emotions, once understood, lose their power to initiate depression. There is still a sweet sadness associated with them, but it is no longer debilitating.
Talking these feelings out with a friend or expressing them through writing often helps neutralize their power to influence negatively.
I Can’t Make the Sun Shine
It’s a reality that in December, in the ‘true North,’ we have equal hours of darkness and light. We cannot change the rotation of the earth around the sun. But there are some steps we can take to lessen the impact of SAD.
A blue light – For around 200 dollars, you can purchase a desktop blue light that helps compensate for the loss of natural sunshine. This little item is directed toward your eyes as you do desktop work. This little gadget is worth the money unless you are suffering from or are a potential risk for glaucoma.
Greenhouse Therapy – In my area, several commercial greenhouses operate year-round. These provide a little taste of tropical summer in the midst of winter gloom. A walk among the moist fragrance of a well-lighted greenhouse lifts my spirits.
Vacations in the Sun – If possible, fly for a time to a warm and sunny place. A short break in a warm climate can break up the negative effects of light deprivation. If you cannot travel, take some time to revisit happy places you have been by scrolling through your photos, videos or journal notes. In your mind, put yourself back in that situation and recall what was pleasurable about it.
Join Happy Events - Engage in stimulating events available in your community. Try an evening at a Dinner Theatre, an evening at the Symphony or a Winter Fair.
Exercise - Bundle up and enjoy the outdoors. Walking is a proven help for those who are feeling depressed. There are likely nature trails near you provided for your enjoyment.
It’s Going to Happen
Charles Spurgeon, Prince of Preachers in the 1800s, rector of the first ever mega-Church, was susceptible to a deep depression that attacked him relentlessly at Christmas time each year. He took a novel approach to deal with it.
Although a man of great faith, he did not rebuke the darkness or categorize his depression as a diabolical attack of the devil. Rather he chose to own and manage it. Knowing that it was inevitable, he prepared for it.
Following Christmas, Spurgeon would turn his pastoral responsibilities over to an associate. Then he would travel for two months in the French Riviera. Rather than fight the depression, he owned it, prepared for it, and provided the remedy he needed to conquer it. Forewarned is forearmed.
I am fairly confident that each Christmas Season, there will be emotional dissonance in my life. I can succumb to it or address it. It may be a pattern, but it need not be an insurmountable problem. Knowing that helps me to structure my life in such as way as to mitigate its influence. I used to dread its arrival and try to prevent it. Now I expect it, accept it, and sharpen the tools I need to work through it.
It is, first-of-all essential to release the guilt and shame that can arise from experiencing mental and emotional stress. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Check out the major players in the Bible, including Jesus, Himself. We are all created as emotional beings. It is natural to feel both negative and positive emotions. It means we are alive and responsive to the world around us.
Second, we must admit to ourselves and others when we struggle with persistent negative emotions. People will not think less of us because of our vulnerability. They will respect us for our honesty and authenticity. Often in telling about our own difficult experiences, we also give others permission to admit theirs.
We would be quite ineffective as caregivers if we ourselves never needed care. Our best ministry to others comes out of the way God has helped us manage our own life. When we recognize our own emotional fragility, it adds an empathic dimension to our ministry and softens our attitudes toward others who are also trying their best to process life.
Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas.
Al is an experienced pastor and counselor who works out of our ABNWT District Resource Centre in Edmonton as the Pastoral Care Coordinator. A pastor to the pastors, Al is a friend, mentor, and confidante to all.