Winning At Conflict
It's inevitable. You'll have conflict if you're pastoring people. Unfortunately, many pastors don't develop their skills in conflict resolution, and their leadership can suffer because of it. Here are some common pathways pastors take when it comes to conflict:
Avoidance. Many pastors think that if they don't address the issue, eventually, it will go away. They'll switch the subject or avoid that person altogether. Nothing gets solved. It just goes on and on forever.
Pray it away. A spiritual term for avoidance is "praying for that person." It's another way to avoid dealing with the actual matter while convincing yourself that you are. Although prayer should always be a factor when addressing conflict, it's usually a precursor to action.
My way or the highway. Another tact pastors take is a "man/woman of God" stance that minimizes the other person and basically tells them to "get with the program or get out." It usually results in hurt and does not solve the issues at hand.
Winning at conflict for pastors will result in a unified church. The church will move forward together. This is a vital part of leadership. Let's look at five ways pastors can win at conflict.
Establish a culture of biblical relationship. Over and over in scripture, we read about "one another's" and how we should treat one another. This needs to be part of the church's teaching, preaching and instruction. Your local church culture should reflect this at every level. We choose to treat one another in a biblical way. We respond to offences biblically. Without establishing this culture, we tend to operate according to how we feel.
Maintain a culture of peace. No matter what happens, we will not throw each other under the bus. We will advocate in the best interest of others. We will focus on the mission and not on the methods. We will agree to disagree and maintain peace at all costs. Churches that maintain a culture of peace do not allow outbursts, sarcasm or silent treatments. They address issues peacefully for the sake of the mission.
Use objective language. Feelings always get in the way of addressing conflict. This is why it's important to use language that focuses on the issue, not the person. Putting both parties on the same side to solve the issue is better than keeping them on opposite sides of each other. Remove accusatory language and move to inquisitive language that seeks to understand.
Solve the conflict in pairs. This is important for pastors who are working through conflict with congregation members. Bring a board member with you to solve the issue. People must know they can't triangulate to get their way. It's also important that pastors don't place themselves in a position to receive false accusations they cannot defend.
Pray for each other. As you move into a time of resolution on any conflict, begin by praying for one another. Pray for them as you would a family member, with love in your heart. Be reminded that Christ died for them. Receive the prayer they pray for you wholeheartedly. Set your hearts and minds on the things above and watch how the earthy things resolve themselves.
Conflict is not easy, and many pastors would rather not engage in it. However, learn to exercise your leadership muscles in these ways and watch the unity grow in and amongst those you lead.
Jeremiah works as an Effectiveness Coach with the ABNWT District of the PAOC. He is a passionate and creative leader who believes that the church is the hope of the world. He uses collaboration, innovation, and inspiration to challenge churches and their leadership to engage in the only mission Jesus ever sent his church on: making disciples.