The Dangers of Deferred Grief and The Church’s Response
Grief is a universally shared part of the human experience. It comes in many facets. In this article I will be dealing with the topic of grief caused by death during this unusual season of COVID-19 crisis. I will offer ideas for the Church to effectively respond to the bereaved.
The loss of a loved one is always a traumatic, tearing experience. It leaves a wound in the spirit that needs to be gently and progressively healed.
Every culture develops a systemized, acceptable way of processing grief. Each member of that culture learns his/her part in assisting others through that process.
COVID-19 has rudely and unceremoniously robbed us of the opportunity to grieve in the normal and natural way our culture accepts.
We have had to put grief on hold. Unfortunately, deferred grief has the potential for long-term detrimental ramifications such as the erosion of personal mental health and the breakdown of intimate family relationships. I have witnessed this on numerous occasions during my tenure of public ministry. This has been exacerbated by the present pandemic crisis.
Grief takes different forms of expression in different people. Whatever that form may be, it is essential that it be expressed. Suppressed grief is like an emotional cancer growing within, slowly warping us psychologically. The longer the expression of grief is suppressed or denied, the more damage it can do.
Neither is grief a one-time outburst of sad emotion. It is a process requiring a season, the length of which is unique for each person who journeys through it. When the grief process is not initiated early in the loss, or is thwarted as it has been by COVID-19, the psychological result can be extreme.
COVID-19 has interrupted the natural flow towards healing from grief. It has disallowed mourners from having ‘Celebrations of Life.’ It has pre-empted empathic fellowship gatherings around a common meal. It has impeded the sharing of corporate memories. It has restricted human touch and embrace. It has limited the opportunities of personal affirmation needed to provide ongoing support for the mourner. All the above are methods and means through which our culture has learned to corporately assist those dealing with grief and help them towards closure.
While it is true that there is a ‘lonely valley’ component of grief that can only be processed in solitude, God in His infinite kindness and wisdom determined that personal grief should be managed and mitigated in the context of human community. This is another added component of the genius of the Church. “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).
As spiritual leaders, in-the-midst of these externally imposed limitations, what can we do to help grieving people maintain a semblance of normalcy?
1. Have a Pre-determined Plan of Action – Develop a strategic plan for responding to those who may be bereaved during this time. It is best not to wait until the situation arises to ‘figure out’ a response. The reaction needs to be immediate, proactive and definitive. Having such a plan and quickly executing it provides two benefits. It gives the recently bereaved the assurance that someone is in charge. It also reduces the pressure the Pastor may feel if the response is necessary on the ‘spur-of-the moment.’
2. Have a Referral Plan Available - ‘Griefshare’ is an exceptional, specifically designed program to assist the bereaved to process their pain and loss. Take your own ‘Griefshare’ program online, or arrange with another Church, who sponsors ‘Griefshare’ online to refer the bereaved to that program. Those in the acute stage of mourning will likely not engage immediately, but there will be comfort in the knowledge that their spiritual community is providing support for them, not only in the moment, but for the long haul.
3. Encourage Your Congregation to Give Small Personal Gifts – When my Mother died years ago, in a small community, we were deluged with food. This was a simple gesture on the part of people to indicate that they cared. The COVID-19 protocol discourages you from delivering food to the bereaved family. However, you should encourage members of your congregation to leave small personal gifts on the doorstep of the bereaved. A personal touch is more important than the expense of a gift. Suggest a living plant, a homemade card, a child’s drawing, a small coffee gift card, a gift of money, etc.. The idea is to choose a gift which will communicate that personal thought, care and love went into its selection.
4. Create a Book of Condolence - This can be particularly effective if the bereaved is part of your faith community. People will have memories surrounding the one who is deceased. Normally they would express them in person. Under the present circumstances, it is important to develop the ‘next-best’ substitute. Have a member of your Congregation organize a Scrapbook of condolence. Ask people in the congregation to share thoughts and memories of the deceased via text or email. Collect all of these in a collage and present it to the one who is grieving. It communicates care in the context of community. It also provides a tangible, ongoing reference of care for the person who receives it. Be sure to keep the submissions brief and succinct and focused on memories of the deceased.
5. Promise Closure – While large, public gatherings of commemoration are not expedient at-the- moment, assure the bereaved that, should they desire, an opportunity for such a gathering will come in the future. This corporate gathering should be encouraged at the earliest possible time because, in the context of our culture, it is a pivotal point in the grieving/healing process.
6. A Prayer-a-Day – Create a roster among your Congregational members, via text or phone into a prayer support campaign for the bereaved. During the first six weeks after the loss, have one person per day contact the bereaved with a word of encouragement or a short prayer. Quarantine has already created uncommon loneliness. This is intensified in the time of loss. It is important that the bereaved not suffer in isolation.
7. Personal Pastoral Follow-up – There is no substitute for a ‘Pastoral Call.’ Unfortunately, I have heard it many times: “My Pastor called me once to make arrangements, but I haven’t heard from him/her again.” As their Pastor/Shepherd, in the absence of the ability to visit personally and regularly because of COVID-19, make contact with the bereaved in some fashion once per week. Your voice communicates calm and confidence and care. You represent the Lord Jesus, and those in deep sorrow want to hear your voice.
Al is an experienced pastor and counselor who works out of our ABNWT District Resource Centre in Edmonton as the Pastoral Care Coordinator. A pastor to the pastors, Al is a friend, mentor, and confidante to all.