Leading Your Congregation through the Process of Grief

As Local Church leaders, we will inevitably find occasions where we must process our own grief, assist our leadership in coping with loss, and bring encouragement to the congregation under our care. 

Grief can be precipitated by sudden tragic death, a life-threatening medical diagnosis, or by a moral/ethical crisis amongst leadership in the faith community.

The following are a few important tips to help leaders navigate these events. 

• Encourage Expression of grief among the people.  The permission to express grief is paramount for your congregation. Everyone responds to grief in a unique and individual way. It is important to allow people to express their grief in their own way. Some are docile, others angry. In some, it precipitates a temporary faith crisis. It is important not to censure these expressions as they are normal and ultimately healthy. Don’t be shocked by what you hear from people as they express raw pain.

• Communicate. The volume of words is not important, but opening the door for conversation is. It is important that the congregation knows their leader is open to hear their expression of hurt and pain, and, is encouraging them to ask the hard questions they may have.   

• Avoid cliché answers and platitudes. Sometimes leaders feel that they must try to explain or ‘theologize’ pain and grief. It is unwise to try to explain what we do not understand ourselves. We don’t need to attempt to defend God and His ways. People are not looking for pat answers, they are looking for comfort, for presence, for a safe place.

• Acknowledge your own emotions. Your congregation knows your humanity. One of the greatest gifts you can give a congregation in crisis is a glimpse your own vulnerability. As Jesus wept alongside Mary and Martha, so we are at our best as leaders when we are affected deeply by the distress of others. There is no ‘public personna’ to protect. In my experience, leaders who have not allowed themselves the natural process of grief alongside the grieving, have paid a huge emotional price at a later time.

• Be patient with those who feel broken by grief. There is no timeline on grief. Much of grief is delayed and will come in its most powerful form as initial shock dissipates. There is no schedule for recovery, for either the primary people involved, the leadership of the Church, or for the congregation. In the aftermath of any shared tragedy, we will all be changed in some appreciable way. There is always a ‘new normal’ created by the event. 

• Encourage your congregational members to draw strength from each other and to offer a helping hand with the physical needs (finances, transportation, childcare, meals, house cleaning, and yard care) of those who are primarily affected by the event. Our own grief is often mitigated in proportion to the amount we offer solace to another.

• As a leader, reach out for assistance. In one situation in our Assembly, after the tragic death of a twenty-one-year-old who was a key leader in the youth group, I felt it prudent to have a Christian therapist come and hold a de-briefing session with the entire group. It proved to be a very valuable part of helping them regain a sense of equilibrium. There are resources at our disposal that we should not be reticent to use.

As we navigate the deep waters of pain and grief together in a healthy way, there is great potential for our people to grow closer to each other and to sink deeper faith roots. What we feel at times may destroy us, actually has the potential to strengthen us.

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