Emotional Engagement – Striking a Healthy Balance in Pastoral Care and Counselling
Years ago, when I attended Bible College, we were strongly advised not to become too emotionally involved in the life circumstances of our congregants. It sounded practical and easy in theory. When I began ministry, I found the task much more difficult. As pastors, we are naturally caring people. When people hurt, we hurt. That is not only true but also backed by scripture. Because of this natural ‘helper’ tendency, I had to establish some definite boundaries for my life and ministry, especially in the area of pastoral counselling and caregiving. While not appearing distant, detached and austere, I needed to communicate a healthy, honest care for congregants.
I share below some of things I have learned: the inherent dangers of emotional attachment, and some of the guidelines I have employed for self (and client) protection.
Dangers:
It is easy to cross the fine line between ‘pastoral care’ and ‘personal involvement.’ This is particularly true (but not restricted to) the care and counsel of members of the opposite gender. Legitimate care can progress rapidly from sympathy to alignment, to unhealthy attachment and finally to emotional dependency. This is a clear violation of ministerial ethics. Regardless of how strong the pastoral care giver may be, there is always a potential vulnerability in this area. The greatest transgressions of ministerial ethics begin with a sincere desire to care.
Emotional alignment with a client can destroy objective counsel and care. The pastor may begin to avoid giving counsel that will be threatening or detrimental to the emotional attachment that is forming, offering sympathy instead of guidance. The counsel of scripture may be sabotaged or compromised to save the developing relationship. Spiritual discernment may be overshadowed by emotional identification. This loss of objectivity can actually result in further confusion and damage to the person being counselled.
Co-dependency may replace legitimate care. The person being counselled may look to the pastor, rather than to God, for making critical, personal decisions. The pastor may feel ‘needed’ or ‘endorsed’ in his role because of the individual’s unhealthy dependence on him/her. This can degenerate into a situation where neither party can function without the affirmation of the other. Co-dependency gives the client an illegitimate pseudo-god figure on which to fixate and also gives the pastor a false sense of power that often leads to unhealthy manipulative and exploitive behaviour.
Emotional attachment can lead to ethical misconduct such as inappropriate touching, sympathetic identification, romantic fantasies or emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are just as detrimental to personal wellbeing, marital accord, ministry effectiveness and congregational trust as are physical affairs. There is never any justification for ‘emotional fantasies’ and they are always destructive to all parties concerned.
Unhealthy, emotional attachments can create an environment for extreme personal trauma, the breach of trust, the dissolutions of marriages and families. They also provide fertile soil for potential future legal action against the pastor, and for personal disciplinary censure, or forfeiture of ministry privileges.
Unfortunately, I have seen this scenario unfold repeatedly in pastoral leadership and it has always had devastating consequences. Here are a few suggestions that, when followed, allow you to sincerely care without transgressing boundaries in the expression of that care.
Pastoral Safeguards:
Never be so proud as to say, ‘this could not happen to me.’ I have discovered that the leader who walks in greatest danger of falling is the one who claims immunity from falling. We must walk humbly and recognize our own propensity to sin. None of us is exempt from temptation. No pastor ever started out the ministerial journey with the intention of becoming a statistic.
Make every effort to maintain legitimate marriage and family relationships that provide you with the strong relational and emotional support you need. If all is well on the home front, the temptation to add unhealthy emotional attachments is greatly reduced.
Set specific times, in a profession setting, visible through glass windows or doors when counselling a person. Counsel only during office hours when others are present, or counsel in conjunction with your spouse. Do not counsel in an empty church building.
Do not confuse care and counsel with socializing. While I often counsel in a restaurant, I make it clear that the location is simply my ‘transplanted office’ and the meeting is not a social event. If an expenditure is made for food or refreshments, I make it very clear that this is a business transaction that will be compensated by my office and not a personal favour. Socializing is reserved for close family and group settings only.
Limit the number of appointments you have with the same individual. In my pastoral ministry, I limited the number to three. If the issue was not resolved within that time, I would refer the person to professional counsel. Any extension of that rule could place me and the client in danger of forming an unhealthy emotional attachment.
Have a system of personal accountability for reporting your counselling engagements to another person. When caring for and counselling a member of the opposite gender, I consistently report that meeting to my spouse, while at the same time maintaining the necessary confidentiality in order to protect the client. I also listen to the intuition of my spouse if she senses apprehension in a situation.
Be quick to seek counsel for yourself if you feel that you are in danger of transgressing in this area. Going it alone often results in personal emotional trauma and even vocational burnout.
Never enter a care or counselling event without first covering yourself in prayer and arming yourself with scripture.
As Pastoral Care givers we must learn these boundaries and balances between too little involvement and too much emotional investment in measuring out Christlike care. Effectiveness and longevity in Pastoral Care ministry necessitates an adherence to the above guidelines.
Al is an experienced pastor and counselor who works out of our ABNWT District Resource Centre in Edmonton as the Pastoral Care Coordinator. A pastor to the pastors, Al is a friend, mentor, and confidante to all.